fear

We all have to deal with it whether we want to or not. Some of us wear it like a tattoo on our forehead while some of us keep it tucked away in the bottom of our purse, mostly forgotten and dirty but there, with us nonetheless. Some of us try to control it, some of us…Just. Can’t. But we all have it. We all know it.

Fear.

I’ve had a solid relationship with Fear my entire life. At times it’s been helpful [see teenage me, too afraid to put my lips to a bong when everyone else at the party seemed pretty friggin’ fearless]. Other times I’ve been embarrassed by it, like the time I launched into a full blown freak out [now known to me as an anxiety attack] in the middle of a pleasantly crowded lagoon in Italy, sure that the rocks I could see below me in the crystal clear water were about to eat me. Like, WHAT? It happened.

Other times I’ve put it in my back pocket, covered it with makeup, waved it in the air, stomped on it with pure certainty, oh, and clutched it with white knuckles that time I made it jump out of an airplane holding my hand. That’s right, I jumped out of an actual airplane so who’s fearless now!? Yeah. Not me.

Lately, as it tends to operate when your deepest desires tell you to DO something NEW, Fear has been showing up in my face like a middle school mean girl. Hand on hip, whispering in my ear one minute and behind my back the next, saying things like:

Look at you, you have no idea what you’re doing. You’re going to fail. You already have failed. You’re going to offend someone. They’re all going to laugh at you. You’re wasting your time, your money, your energy. NO ONE cares. You don’t have the skills or the discipline to make this work. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Middle School Mean Girl Fear is the WORST. I’d like to punch that Fear in the face, but then, I’d never punch anyone really because that’s violent, violence is bad, and also I’d be too afraid she’d punch me back, just much harder because she’s more experienced than I am at punching things.

You know what’s more terrifying to me at this moment than anything Fear has to say? Not taking the chance. Somehow it seems that in our world, you have to be recently brushed by death – or at the very least, a millennial – to get the fact that life is a temporary gift. There are TWO important pieces to that statement – temporary, the obvious one, and GIFT. We forget so often that God never promised perfection or ease down here, but for me at least, the gifts keep coming – they’re literally all around us. Why on EARTH wouldn’t we open them?

Today, Fear is with me, resting it’s head in my lap sleepily as I prepare to put it to bed. When I do, I’ll lay it down gently, then take a walk with some other friends – friend’s that I don’t make time to see quite as often. Trust and Obey. And the three of us, if Fear keeps napping, WE are gonna open some gifts.