Imbalancing act

Dear 2020:

Posted on January 1, 2021 by Be still Imbalancing act

It’s a little bit strange to wake up today without you. You’ve been the brunt of the joke, the one to blame, the thief of normalcy, and to some, the devil himself. Your time ticked by with more emphasis, more sting, more noise and more silence than any year in my lifetime, and now with the drop of a ball and the turning of the clock you are gone. You are gone and I miss you a little.

I wasn’t expecting to miss you (you were an absolute prick most of the time), but I do. I miss you because you were transformative. Somewhere between your first and your last day you changed us. You changed us all in some way or another. Some of us changed over and over again under your watch – more than we wanted to, not as much as we should have, not as much as we still will. Some of us didn’t want the change, didn’t accept it, didn’t know how much we needed it. 

I needed it. 

I know that today you’ll have doors slammed in your face. You’ll be kicked out, lit on fire, and surely face crowds of middle fingers (don’t act like you don’t deserve those – you hurt people, bad). But 2020, you will always have a place here in my mind, and with all of my might I will never stop trying to build on all the things you have taught me. 

You taught me to feel. Before you, 2020, I thought I was sensitive. I thought I was empathetic, grounded, and emotionally mature (ok no, but usually I at least had the ability to control it). You ripped away the covers like a tired mama who’s finally had enough and made me look underneath. You took the activities, the tasks, the busyness that I had piled so…neatly?…on my days and man was that stuff covering up some dirt. I spent a lot of the year digging through that dirt and found the wildest mix of hidden treasures and disasters and felt every one of them so hard. You sent me to the bathroom floor more than once without even clearly showing me why, and every time I stood up again I felt the change. I needed to feel it all – yes to the treasures, YES to the disasters. You can’t fix what you can’t feel. 

You taught me to keep learning. I swore years ago that the day we realize we know absolutely nothing instead of everything is the day we grow up. You made me take that back. I’m now pretty confident that we never really grow up. We never really know nothing, we just know what we know until we make an effort to learn more. Before you came along, I think I’d forgotten that I could and should always seek more, not because someone told me to, but because not seeking when you have the means is worse than not having the means. Maybe I was drowning in the stuff above the covers or maybe I was floating along in privilege – likely both – but before you, I’d lost the hunger. You made me feel starved. I owe you big for that one.  

You taught me about people. Whew, Lord knows this one was a beast. There’s something about pulling people physically apart from one another that makes us all feel like we have to yell and scream to be heard. You showed us sides of each other that we didn’t want to believe were there, sides that were ugly, sides that felt unforgivable, sides that told us it was time to re-evaluate, separate, divide. You made me cover my eyes and ears just to keep loving. You made it all so SO hard. 

But you also made it glorious. Behind the yelling you revealed passion, you showed the best of intentions, unmatched determination, perseverance, and grace. You pushed my empathy to the limit, beat it to a pulp, then lovingly patched it, one lesson and conversation and prayer at a time. You gave me the capacity to consider other peoples’ capacity, and the fact that it might not match my own today, tomorrow, or next week. You taught me that none of us, not one of us on this earth, have it all figured out, and control has never been ours to own. You took the makeup along with the covers and put all of our scars and wrinkles and crazy and beauty on display. [About that: I’m taking back lipstick ASAP, but I’m leaving the scars and wrinkles. We’ve earned those.]

All lessons and laughs and tears aside, on the top of my BEST OF 2020 list are the people. The obvious heroes in healthcare, education, churches, food service, delivery, child care, leadership, storytelling, and the neighbors helping neighbors should be honored forevermore. But I will also thank God for the rest of my days for the friend who nudged me to take a chance over Chinese takeout in a dark parking lot; the strangers who gave me a safe space to talk the big feelings out over Zoom; the mentors and colleagues who showed vulnerability without reserve or apology; the friend who sent at least one ridiculous video or meme a day; and the family that navigated with me when to speak up, when to shut up, and when to just say “I love you.” I do SO love you. I love my lifelong people, my new people, and lots of people I’ve never even met bigger and harder than I have ever loved them before, and 2020 taught me how to do that. 

2020, I know you’ve got to go. I want you to know that you can bite me, and also I owe you forever. I hate you. I love you. Get out, but for goodness sake, don’t disappear. Let us never forget the opportunities you gave us. And oh my word pretty please, tell your baby sister to chill. Thanks. <3

How to work from home like a boss: A guide for newbies

Posted on March 25, 2020 by 'Round here Be still Imbalancing act Work Life

It’s a new day on planet Crazyville for all of God’s creatures, and for the traditional working world, every hour seems to present a brand new challenge. As COVID-19 continues to make historical strides worldwide, it’s not just the technologically advanced or the millenial-infused corporate cool kids who will be working remotely. 

Soon (like, TODAY y’all) any and every small business and nonprofit and office of more than…well…ONE in America that possibly can, are encouraged to move to some form of temporary teleworking model. Whether that terrifies or excites you I can promise two things if you’re new to this type of gig – it’s not as great as it sounds, and it’s not as bad either.

While we all adjust to the change and uncertainty of it all, here are a few tips to help you wrap your head around the art of working from home without losing your mind…or your job.

Get crystal-clear on expectations. If you and/or your supervisor are new to an out-of-office working model, it’s absolutely imperative that you both understand the rules up front. Nobody knows the rules? Make some up together! Talk through things like when you’re expected to be available by phone and email. Should you be “at work” from 9-5 with an hour for lunch, or should you track your time and work whenever as long as you meet your deadlines?

Talk through other things too like: whether or not you’ll use your personal cell phone for business calls, which uses are appropriate for your business laptop, whether or not you should be on social media during office hours, how your teammates prefer to communicate, and how often you’ll be expected to check in. Believe, the more you tackle up front, the less awkward things will be later. Save the oops-I-didn’t-know’s for something more important. 

Find a space that works for work. If this is truly a temporary mandate for you, I’m not suggesting you transform your spare bedroom into a full-blown office space (though I do love a creative workspace away from work). At minimum, you will need a place to go that’s conducive to productivity. Before you decide where that should be, let me tell you where it’s NOT:

On the couch. You’re not fooling anybody if you’re “working” from the comfort of the same place you nap/Netflix/chill. I don’t claim to know a thing about science, but people, it’s science. I’ve propped my laptop on a fluffy pillow in my lap countless times thinking I was about to make strides only to find myself drooling on the keyboard and dreaming of vacation. Get comfortable, but not that kind of comfortable. Bonus reason not to choose the couch- it’s hell on your back!

In the bedroom. Unless you’re hiding from your roommate/partner/kids for an hour or unless you have a neat little desk beside your bed, this one is just like the couch. You might be able to knock out a short conference call behind the closed door sitting criss-cross-applesauce where you sleep, but you’re setting yourself up for more of…well, less, if you attempt to clock in here.

Near the tv. If your job requires less than 1% concentration, you’re totally fine here. Go for it. But if you (or your boss) expect true productivity, turn off the tube and know that working-while-watching-Ellen makes you as ineffective as that Facebook tab you hide every time your coworker walks by. Just because you won’t get caught doesn’t mean you should do it.

I’ve found that if you don’t have a desk, but you do have a dining room table, breakfast nook, or bar, a good-enough space can be born. I prefer a room with windows – just don’t choose the seat right next to it if you don’t want to battle a glare on your screen and lose your mojo. Wherever you are, give yourself room to spread out, and if you can, leave it there – don’t pack it up and make yourself have to pull it out again. When you’re home, you should still feel home, but when you’re in THAT spot friend, you’re at work. Welcome to your zone.

Limit distractions. Think you’re easily distracted at the office? [Bwah HA-HA!] Wait until you try to distinguish your home to-do’s from your work-from-home to-do’s. It can be tricky figuring out how to block the focus-stealing culprits, but if you pay attention on the first day, you’ll know exactly what they are.

Put your phone facedown. You’ll likely need your phone close by if you’re working remotely, but if you’re like most of us these days, you’ll also need to create some boundaries to keep you from picking it up out of habit. Whatever your vice – Instagram, TikTok, or texting – it will be easier to drift into a screen time abyss in the comfort of your own home. No one is there to hold you accountable for your time, and a text about dinner can lead to a quick recipe search on Pinterest, which can lead you halfway through your online grocery order in the Food Lion To Go app, which leads to you suddenly using 15 minutes of your workday ineffectively. DO all those things for sure, but at a designated time like a lunch or mid-afternoon break.

Watch your trips to the kitchen. (And all the work-from-home veterans just nodded in unison.) In the real office, you might grab a coffee first thing, a yogurt mid-morning, and heat up your lunch while you chat with a coworker. At home if you’re not careful, you’ll EITHER eat a sleeve of Oreo’s before breakfast, last night’s pizza during your webinar, then a shame-snack around 2 p.m., OR drink three cups of coffee and work yourself into a hunger headache because there’s no one there to remind you to fuel up and hydrate. Plan for good eating habits as if you were going somewhere for the day. Don’t just rely on your whims, or M&M’s.

via GIPHY

Create a visual work plan. Unless you’re a master agent of organization, a random stack of papers won’t get you through this one. At home, that stack can sit for days. Who even knows what’s in it? Take some time in the first week (and every week) to dig through your STUFF and find a prominent place to list your priorities. If calendar alerts work for you, put it all in there. Make yourself appointments to complete important tasks and don’t do ANYTHING but THAT during the time you chose. If you’re a list-maker instead, put your list in a place that you can’t miss, and don’t forget to add deadlines!

Take a shower. People, this is a big one. One of the greatest perks of working from home is that some days, you can very easily go from one set of pajamas to the next without judgement. We’ve all done it, and folks, it can be so awesome. Email + messy bun, report + sweatpants, even video conference + a little mascara and a nice button-up on top of your “Mama needs wine” nightgown – it’s all a little invigorating. Do it now and then, no one cares!

The trick here is not to let it become a habit. If you can be 100% productive in your pj’s, more power to you, but go too many days without fresh clothes and clean hair and you’ll start to lose your luster in more ways than one. Go ahead, enjoy your at-home comfy coffee while you plan your day first thing, but get yourself together (before lunch!) if you want to bring the heat to the home work.

Enjoy the perks. Speaking of perks, there can be SO many perks! My favorite thing about working from home is the ability to multitask the simple stuff. Do a load of laundry and take back the part of your Saturday you usually spend rewashing the towels you forgot on Wednesday night. Pick a tiny project that you’d never get to on the regular (junk drawer, medicine cabinet, freezer, etc.) and tackle it during your webinar. Start dinner or exercise during lunch and get to ENJOY a little more of your evening. Sure, you’re at work when you’re in your zone, but taking back your travel time alone can lend itself to a little more balance later. Use it!

More favorite things to add to your work-alone-zone: music, your favorite candle, snacks, and anything else that helps you focus but annoys the crap out of your co-workers. 

Communicate what this means to your people. THIS. THIS is the real ticket. If you’re new to working from home, then most certainly, your family members or housemates are too. Remember those boundaries you set with your boss? They’ll be a nightmare to follow if you don’t communicate them with the people around you.

If you have a set schedule, then your husband/girlfriend/daughter/roommate/dog needs to understand what that looks like. Are you sort-of available or do you want them to pretend you’re invisible during working hours? Say it. Is it ok for them to join you at the dining room table to quietly do homework? Invite them, but set the rules. Does your mom think you’re sitting by the phone and available to chat all day now? Let her know you’re excited to catch up with her, but you’ll have more time after work. Do you need the dog to be occupied during your 10 a.m. call? Ask for help or take the call away from the crate. (And give him a treat for his patience!)

Whether you love it or not, your at-home people are now part of your work team. Remember that NO work OR home-work team is perfect, but make them feel included with all the communication up front, and hopefully, no one will get hurt…UNLESS you have to…

Figure it all out with the kids at home. I’m mostly talking to you now, Mama. (You too, Dad.) These are new, hard, crazy crazy times. I could spend a thousand more words talking about how to work from home with kids. I could talk about navigating homeschool, nap times, lunches, arguments, tears, interruptions, laughter, spilled drinks, screen time, deadlines, and ALL the other things that THIS factor brings to the remote-working world.

Instead, I’ll say this. Do the best you can. Try not to yell. Take breaks just to cuddle or tickle or laugh. Be sure your actual work team understands your reality. Ask for help when you need it. And most importantly, give yourself (and your children) some grace. This. Is. Hard. It’s new, it’s wild, it’s amazing, and really and truly, it’s all going to be ok. 

Hang in. Have fun. Do work. And say your prayers. You can sit next to me on the struggle bus. Welcome home! 🙂

On scaling the Mountain of Unimportant Things

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Be still Imbalancing act

I remember reading those books as a teenager about how to not sweat the small stuff. Before Rachel Hollis was reminding us all to wash our face, Richard Carlson was running the motivational show in the 90’s, showing up in all of our grandmas’ bathrooms in paperback, telling us to JUST CHILL because really, it’s all small stuff. I liked ol’ Richard. That guy had some sense.

Even so, I’ve been stumbling on the Mountain of Unimportant Things forever and ever. Every time I trip on that mountain I drop something – usually time, money, sleep, or general happiness. I’ve stumbled over little pebbles on the mountain like burnt pancakes, paint colors, the Christmas card picture, and how my butt looks in those pants. Other times it looked more like a boulder – a missed self-induced deadline, a faulty effort to make someone happy, or the thought of what so-and-so might think. You know, small stuff.

There are certain momentous occasions in life too that make that mountain harder to climb, not because it’s any steeper than any other season, but because the air around these occasions tends to get foggy for the climber. 

Take a wedding for example. As someone who spent ten years photographing this occasion, I’ve seen hundreds of people cartwheel down that one. It’s TRIPPY. But do you know how many actual people in the actual world actually care what flavor your cake is going to be? Maybe your Aunt Betty, but you only see her twice a year and, seriously, how many times can she really bring it up? Pick a flavor and crush that pebble.

Guess how many people care what shade of dusty rose those bridesmaids dresses are? ZERO. Unless you do, and you force your favorite friends to give up four Saturdays in a row to “get the perfect look” for your day. Then I can promise, all those favorite friends care about is when your wedding can be over and they can get back to their own mountains. Kick that rock out of the way and get to building the actual marriage (cause that part, honey, is so not small stuff). 

How about when you birth that first baby? There goes a thousand topics for another day, but THE FOG can be SO DANG heavy up on THAT mountain. You’ll be better off to just stop where you’re at, lay down the hiking stick, pull a KIND bar out of your diaper bag and sit yo’ silly self down before you lose your footing completely. 

The Perfect Birth Story. Not yours to write.

The Perfect Going Home Outfit. Might be covered in spit up.

The Perfect Newborn Pictures. WILL be covered in…something.

The Perfect Breastfeeding Experience. May or may not be in the cards.

The Perfect Baby Daddy. Bless his poor pitiful heart! Who dat?!

Now I’m not sitting high and mighty over here. It’s easier to see all that once you’ve been through those particular foggy times, and even for experts like me (HAAAA!), there are other seasons too. Holidays, new homes, going back to school, new jobs, and anytime you see anything cool on someone else’s Instagram story can make you feel a little disoriented on the mountain. It’s especially easy to stumble when you’re climbing beside other people who are as clumsy-footed as you are. 

You know how it goes. If they slip on an Unimportant Thing, the first thing they’ll do is wail about it, and depending on your own strength that day, you’ll either fall right down there with them or offer them a hand to stand back up. It takes practice to be strong enough to offer the hand.

At this point in life I still stumble, but I’m finding it way more fun to be standing on top of the mountain than to be buried beneath. Maybe I dropped my Give-A-Crap in one of those other falls, but I’m becoming a more steady climber with practice, and I’m telling you, the view is extra refreshing and much less sweaty from the top. 

Kids looking flawless every Sunday at church – Under the mountain.

Just getting the kids TO church – On top.

Having my name on every volunteer list in town – Buried underneath.

Bringing my best service to one or two worthy causes – Beautiful up there. 

Getting the Annual Incredible Christmas Card Photo – Back at the bottom.

Being present enough to notice Christmas Card Worthy Moments all year – So high I can feel the clouds.

When I feel my foot slipping, I like to think back to my favorite line in that bathroom book. 

“Will this matter a year from now?”

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff, Richard Carlson

Most of the time I find that whatever it is that tried to trip me doesn’t even matter right now, and THAT is what it feels like to stand strong. Oh, what I could do with all the time, money, sleep, and happiness I’ve dropped along the way if I could only get it back now.

Let’s keep practicing, friends. When we spend all our waking hours UNDER the Mountain of Unimportant Things, it’s nearly impossible to find the energy to climb Mt. Actually Meaningful when we get to it. I promise to grab your arm and pull you up if you’ll grab mine.

Let’s talk about the prom queen

Posted on October 23, 2019 by Girlfriends Get It Imbalancing act

You know the girl. The pretty one. The one everyone adores. The one that can do no wrong, always has it together, never has a bad day. I bet you can see her smiling face in your head right now. Does the image of that girl make you want to smile back? I doubt it. Not for real at least.

She’s not just the prom queen anymore anyway. She’s everywhere. She’s the mom that walks into school looking like she slept a full night and ate fairy dust for breakfast. It’s obvious her husband adores her and her kids must wake up looking like a Target billboard. She’s the one with the perfect body or perfect hair or at the very least the perfectly clean house. You know the one. 

She’s the woman at work who magically balances her cute coffee mug in one hand and endless to-do list in the other. She’s the girl that’s killin’ it on the front row in your fitness class. She’s the lady at church who always bakes the cake, teaches the lesson, sits with the feeble, and sings a flawless soprano. She’s amazing, you think. And you’re not. 

Perception is a funny thing when it comes to the prom queen. The assumption, I believe, is that she, herself, thinks she’s just as amazing as you think she is. She must know it after all. The chick has a mirror and we all know she uses it. 

I’ve encountered the prom queen just as often as you have. I don’t always want to smile back at her either. Sometimes I secretly want to stick my foot out to see if she trips or leaps. [YES WRONG, but we’re all here for honesty and you know you’ve thought it too – sue me.]

The problem is though, that I know without a doubt that girl needs a smile just as much as the band geek in the back. I know because, well, I’ve seen The Breakfast Club about a hundred times, and also the truth is that I’ve been the prom queen a few times in my life. Once in 2002 in a royal blue sequin dress, and again a few months ago backstage at my daughters’ dance recital. Really. 

It was obvious in 2002 [there was a K-Ci & JoJo song that made it official that night] but I was taken aback when I realized it a second time backstage at the recital when another mom called out among the chaos, “I need scissors! Anybody have a pair of scissors?” 

Before I could answer, that mom looked right at me and said, “Allison, gimme your scissors. You’re the most got-it-together person I know. I know you’ve got a pair.”

And you know what, I did have a pair. There I was, sitting backstage, laughing with my gorgeous kids and my cute earrings, fully prepared for the evening ahead and making it look like a piece of flawlessly-frosted cake. Prom queen. 

Just like that twinge I felt when I was slowly turning around the dance floor back in the day with the equally awesome and awkward king, at that moment it flooded right back. HOW insane. They actually think I’ve got it together. 

Yep, I had the scissors in the bag, my kids were dressed and ready and I had even successfully showered that day. But you know what? The day before, those same kids barely got to school on time, one of them without her book bag because I’d overslept and shoved them out the door without it. That same week, I’d washed ONE load of clothes FOUR times because I didn’t have the brainpower or the energy to remember to put the rotten things in the dryer. And that very day, the actual day of the recital, I’d nearly had a meltdown in my office at work.

I mean, daaaaang prom queen, where you at, girl?!

I won’t lie, sometimes it feels nice to be the prom queen. In the finest moments, it seems better than the alternative. I’ll argue ‘til my death though, that the title is never permanent, it’s completely an illusion, and it’s never EVER enough to get you by in life on its own.

I recently had lunch with a friend that I’ve only gotten to know well in the last couple years. During the span of our friendship we’d established a routine to meet for lunch in town – me, always on my lunch break in heels and professional attire, and her, in whatever comfortably cute outfit met the needs of her day. When I told her recently that I was making a career change and leaving my job, she told me she couldn’t imagine what I’d be like without the always-put-togetherness that my position had required. 

“It’s just a uniform,” I told her. And it was. Under the got-it-together-girl she thought she knew, there was just another regular ol’ messy woman in here. I think she likes that second girl even better. I know for sure that I do, but really, we’re one in the same. It’s just that perception either lays down the red carpet, or rips it right out from under us. We don’t even really get to decide.

So next time you bump into her, remember that some days, we queens just get lucky. Other days, we’re just trying not to let the drool drip out of our clarinet. (Believe me, I know. I’ve been that girl too.)

Conway Middle School Band, 1997
I'm Allison
Family girl, creator, lover of the 80s. Recovering workaholic and reformed people-pleaser. Certain that life begins at 35 (or whenever we wake up and realize we are laugh-lines-deep in blessings).